Generosity. + 1 month.

Jon's parents gave us a cheque for Christmas that would cover a round of private fertility treatment.

Incredibly generous and I was very moved by the gesture. They made a point of telling us the money was ours to spend, as we wish, but we knew what they wanted to enable us to do.

We will go down the NHS route first. I expect. I don't think you can return to it, once you've had treatment privately. So we might use the money if the first round of treatment fails. (You only get one round on the NHS in our patch.) After all, we pay our taxes! May as well get something back.....

It's so hard to know what to do about treatment. I think you have to decide at each new stage of the journey. From here, I feel that I'd want to try a few rounds of ICSI before giving up, and if that means several thousand pounds then so be it. But who knows what I'll feel like after a longer wait in the 'system' and with more time learning to deal with the situation?

Maybe I will be determined to keep trying until I get too old. Or maybe I will become reconciled to childlessness. We'll see. I think we need to resist the urge to get ahead of ourselves.

The wait begins. + 1 month.

I called IVF Wales today and they couldn't tell me anything yet about when our first appointment is likely to be. In some ways, one month is nothing. In others, every new bit of waiting seems like a major inconvenience.

We've decided to forget about all this until after the Christmas holiday: to try to relax and enjoy ourselves as much as possible. Good news is, the festive season can be as drunken as we like!! I think we both feel a little edgy about the potential scrutiny we will get in our parents' homes as a result of our situation. But I suspect the feelings are unwarranted.

Church can be difficult. Well, church is difficult at the best of times ( ; ) ) but now I'm particularly conscious of how child-focused it is. We employ a family focus worker to attract young families. In fact, we have some young families already. What we don't have are any 15 - 30-year olds without kids. But nobody knows how to focus on them.... Our Messy Church event is billed as being"for all" and there's a certain amount of pressure to support it. But it is explicitly only open to children who come with adults, or adults who come with children. That more or less rules us out. Oh, unless we want to 'help', which is of course what a childless young couple should be doing, anyway.

Sorry, I'm ranting!

Hey ho. No doubt the answer is for us all to be a bit more open about issues such as infertility. Just not sure I have the local friendships to encourage me in my honesty.....

Telling people. + 2 weeks.

There is no reason to announce our fertility status to the world, and I expect it will take us quite a bit of time to learn how to communicate about it. But it seemed right to let parents know straight away.

I surprised myself by sobbing when trying to tell mum. Haven't done that in ages. But it was the first time I'd vocalised the situation and grief took me by surprise. I eventually caught my breath and actually said the words - "we can't have children". Actually, typing them now brings the emotion back. But I feel better for having allowed the news out. Mum was calm, thankfully.

Jon told his parents too. They were more stunned: I think perhaps my mum and dad had wondered if we were having problems conceiving, whereas his had assumed we were making a choice. I'm sure they have said things over the past year they wouldn't have, had they known. And of course, on their side is the doted-over grand-daughter that we've had to learn to cope with, while my parents have had no reason to become obsessed with a new generation.

Anyway, we both have the concern and support of our families. And I think on all sides it will be much easier to be the possessors of an "explanation".