infertility

infertility

Thursday 21 April 2011

Sperm = bad. Result = good.

Thankfully, the analysis of Jon's sperm as done at Cardiff proved that they are indeed worthy of some ICSI-style assistance.

It was a bit of a worry, getting that second test done. It's now been 18 months since we started trying for a baby without any luck. If they'd turned around and set that, actually, the sperm weren't quite poor enough quality to justify the NHS paying for our fertility treatment,  I'm not sure if I would have coped!

The results were a little different: it seems the shape of the sperm is the only significant problem. Mobility was low, but not low enough on its own to bump us into the treatment category. At Abergavenny, the results had  indicated that mobility and shape were both issues. I think the test at IVF Wales is more thorough.

Another step closer, anyway. And proof that our lovely GP did get things right!

Wednesday 20 April 2011

Sperm sample # 2. + 5 months.



So, Jon has been in again.....

Actually, it was better than the first time. He was given porn (pretty extreme stuff, I gather!) and a quiet room and a bit of respect. Another little step forwards.

Monday 4 April 2011

Coping better?

I've spent quite a bit of time thinking and reflecting during Lent. Not just about the baby thing, but including that. As time passes, you can learn to approach something like infertility in a better way. Should you want to. You get used to the new game plan. And here my faith has been massively helpful.

It's so easy to get addicted to control, in our culture. Up until now, I approached life as if its direction depended on what choices I made, when. Not just little things like what juice to buy, but the big stuff too. I might not in every instance have got into the university / job I wanted. But I was responsible for choosing the one I got. Similarly with marriage partners, homes, etc etc. I was in control.

Suddenly, in this scenario, I realise I have minimal control over what will happen. It's horrible, at first. But I am beginning to feel that this isn't about losing control: it's about realising you never had it. A veil of unreality has been lifted. A lie has been discovered. I can't control everything. There are certain things I can do to influence the future. But much lies beyond the realms of my power.

There are also positive things about being "barren", in terms of spirituality. A state of waiting, of hopefulness, of not-there-yetness, of being the overlooked one and of standing in solidarity with others in that state, are all very scriptural and, ironically, very fruitful.

Perhaps most importantly, I can see now that any child I might bear is not really mine, born of my volition. Rather, it is a life I might be privileged to carry for a time. I hope that, if I ever do become pregnant, I will be able to hold onto that.