The Moment of Truth. 0.

So, apparently we are infertile. The GPs actual words were: "I never say it's impossible because the strangest things can happen, but it's extremely unlikely you'll conceive naturally...." Sounds pretty conclusive, eh?

Oddly, the news came as a surprise to me. I think I had grown so used to the endless uncertainty that I'd convinced myself such was our lot in life and was bound to continue. I expected our results would be normal and that we would be told to go away and keep trying. All down to my cup half empty character, I think.

Jon told me on the way home that this wasn't the case for him: he had expected the news we got. Strange, how we didn't know one anothers' expectations until afterwards.

It is a shock. I have been crying. But it's also a relief. On balance, I think I'd rather have this news than uncertainty. It's no fun having no idea why you're not getting pregnant for more than a year. There's a building sense of failure and sex becomes stressful. Each month you anticipate good news, as well as the opposite, and then deal with the let down. You feel repeatedly mocked by your lack of control over, and understanding of, your own body. A year of this is very waring.

Now, I feel that I can't blame myself for, or do anything about, the lack of progress. It's simply the way of things. And we're on the path to addressing the situation, albeit with no guarantee of success. Also, I now feel justified in finding it all difficult. It was okay that I was struggling, I'm in a difficult situation. It's not just an over reaction or lack of sex drive, or whatever else......

It looks as if the problem is with Jon's sperm, which have poor mobility and a strange shape. My results were all normal, as were Jon's blood tests. This is fairly good, as these things go. The GP can refer us to IVF Wales for a treatment called ICSI which is more sophisticated than regular IVF and is better for cases like ours, where the woman's system seems to be working well and the problem is with the sperm. ICSI involves the injection of a particular sperm into a particular egg, rather than the blending of sperms and egg in a dish.

The GP said she will send off the referral letter today and we should wait 4 weeks before calling IVF Wales to see what's going on.

Poor Jon. -1.5 weeks.

Jon had to go and give a sperm sample in Abergavenny this morning, (They can't do the relevant stuff here in Chepstow). There was an option to take a sample into them after producing it at home, but you have to get it to them within 45 minutes of ejaculating, so not really feasible (unless he'd stopped off in a layby, possibly leading to arrest!!)

Poor Jon! The exclusively female staff didn't make many allowances for him feeling embarrassed and uncertain. He was given a tiny container and led to a tiny room with one plastic chair. There were no 'reading materials' to assist, and if it wasn't difficult enough to produce the sample while sitting upright and capture it in the miniscule pot, he was further put off by the continual noise of people walking past, chatting and laughing. This was fairly loud, due to the extreme thinness of walls and door, so there was the added fear they might be about to barge in.

Kind of anti-erotic, really. Anyway, he managed and now he's home. I must admit to being amused as well as struck by the sexism of the situation. As the woman, thus far I've had only very sympathetic reactions from medical staff.

Jon's already had his blood tests, so that's the lot. Back to the GP soon for the results.....