A year on!

In the end, I got Jon to come with me to IVF Wales, even though the appointment was only to discuss my HSG results (about which I already knew).

Was feeling pathetic after spending the morning watching Juno as part of preparing an alternative Christmas service for church. It is about a 16-year-old who gets pregnant and gives her baby up for adoption to a couple who can't conceive. Not the best choice, on reflection. Needed the moral support of my beloved to face the clinic afterwards.

The visit was all a fuss about nothing, which, again, is what I expected. We sat with the new consultant who spent some time telling us about fertility treatment options. We listened patiently then told her we had been on the waiting list for ICSI for a year. At which point she looked nonplussed and checked our file. Then she said, "Oh, yes, already". Then she told us we may as well have blood tests done while we were there. (We'd already had them, but what the hey). And then she said we'd get the letter about treatment sometime between now and May. Which we already expected.

The one helpful thing she said was in response to our concerns about delays with the waiting list, given the fact we may be moving to another NHS trust area, or possible another country, during next year. She said: "I can't understand why you English people are so honest." (She's not British). "If you move, just don't tell us."

Excellent advice!

One year now since referral. Should be through the first ICSI round by May at the latest.

The uncertainty never really goes.....

I've been full of cold and also had a sickness bug in recent weeks, which is probably what led to my period being two days late. Usually, it's bang on 4 weeks since the last one started, maybe a day early.

Despite knowing that it's as good as impssible for me to get pregnant, my imagination still runs away with me at times like this. And when you discover that, no, this is not some kind of miracle, no your cycle continues without interruption, it's very depressing.

I really struggle to know how to pray on these days of wild imaginings. Do I wish for pregnancy? But then, if I turn out not to be, I feel I've let myself down by voicing the desire. And ashamed of the inevitable bitterness that follows on from the the plea not being upheld. (I don't really believe in the kind of God who makes me pregnant because I've asked, ignoring someone else who hasn't).

It doesn't matter if I voice a desire to God that isn't strictly in keeping with what I believe about him. I know that in my head. But I'm too proud to do it comfortably! I want to pretend that I feel only the things I think are right.

Incidentally, the rigmarole of mess, discomfort and tampax every month becomes so much more annoying when you know you've spent the last 20 years of your life dealing with it FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER!

Ho hum.