Another chapter. + 2 years

So, two years after going on the waiting list for fertility treatment, more than three after deciding to try for a family, we are on the way.

As you can (possibly) see there are two buns in this particular oven.

Of course, there's a long way to go. But whatever happens now, it will be a story about a full or partial pregnancy and not a story of infertility. So this will be my last post.

I like to think that, had treatment been unsuccessful, I had reached the point of being able to greet that with contentment. But there's no way of knowing if that's true.

The most stressful times were the extensions and uncertainties about the wait at IVF Wales, and the unpleasant doctor there. BCRM was wonderful.

My 'tips' for anyone in a similar situation:

• just let yourself feel the way you feel: there is no right way to approach these matters
• try not to plan ahead or to depend on ay particular future result - this will save you stress
• only talk to people who make you feel better - you don't owe anyone anything
• enjoy as much of your life as you can, embrace current and new hobbies and relationships - you can't make a baby happen or grow in a particular way; you can live the life you have been given to the full.

God bless. 

So far, so good

Very relieved to see this on Saturday morning.

I need to go in for an early scan on November 21st to check things look ok.

Treatment day 49 +23 months

Pessaries #14

Can't believe I've been taking something or other, or been in hospital, every day for nearly 50 days!

Just 3 little pessaries left.

It is stressful now because I have lots of pre-menstrual type symptoms which could also be early pregnancy type symptoms. So every time I go to the loo I have to take a deep breath.... and Jon is in Canada, so he's not around to help dissipate the anxiety (by watching Buffy with me or something - discussing the situation is of very limited use.)

On Saturday, after taking the PG test, I have to drive about 70 miles to go and speak to 500 people at Salisbury diocesan synod....not sure they'll get the best of me, either way, to be honest!

Treatment day 43

Pessaries #8

So far, so good.

I don't actually mind the waiting for the results of the IVF. What I'm frightened of is the day they come! Either way, to be honest: it just seems so momentous.

Jon set off for Canada today, so he's all the way over there learning to have a new life. And I'm all the way over here trying to deal with the pregnancy question. It's not easy.

Often I'm quite sad and emotional - but I do feel like I'm alive. There have been challenges and we've worked through them. If there are more, we'll do the same. We've had to make choices, and we've done it. And I think we've made the right ones.

I'm very grateful for all the prayers and care we've had. And moved by the times when people have said they've found this chapter of our story helpful and inspiring. In such exchanges I find evidence of a God who connects us all. Whatever may befall us. And I believe he will be there in the middle of the next chapter, too.

Treatment day 38

Pessaries #3

Yesterday morning we had a call to say my two eggs had become two healthy looking embryos. Hurray!

Not many people get to have two embryos replaced because the hfea wants to limit the number of multiple births resulting from fertility treatment. But we fitted the criteria for it because they only retrieved two eggs in total from me and I am under 35. So, we decided to have both replaced. Obviously, this means we didn't have any embryos to freeze (and they wouldn't have frozen the one remaining one, anyway, again down to the regulatory criteria for such procedures.) 

There is now a 34% chance of twins. Eeek! And exciting.

lovely pessaries

I was back into BCRM at noon on Saturday for the replacement. Not very pleasant - a huge moving chair and a nice big speculum in place for what seemed like an age.... But they said the procedure went very well and both embryos reached their destination.

I have to take pessaries for 2 weeks to give me progesterone and keep the womb lining thick. And then take a pregnancy test.

Notwithstanding this blog, I am hesitant about discussing all this because I expect people to suddenly get excited and assume we're having two children. There is a long way to go before that! It's not likely both embryos will take, quite likely neither will, or that I'll miscarry, or that there will be complications. I would like to concentrate on being happy we've got this far, coped with the whole thing very well (in my opinion) and that treatment has gone well. The present reality is all that matters.

Hard to believe that it as less than a week between follicle scan and embryo replacement!

Treatment day 35

The op

Back home. All seemed to go well. They got the 2 eggs and Jon's sperm looked good. Now it's all spending the night together in a little dish!

We will be called by the embryologist on Saturday morning to find out if we have any embryos and, if so, when I need to go in for implantation.

The staff were very good at BCRM. Even the needle in my hand didn't bother me at all, unlike last time I had one. Actually, it was quite nice to come round after having a proper sleep! I am a bit tender in my right abdomen and weary but feeling ok.

My own personal sharps bin. Now full!

Now that everything is out of our hands, I feel better. I can't be at fault for missing an injection or mistiming a sniff or whatever. It's much easier to be stoical about things one cannot control. Will I be able to maintain an emotional equilibrium if neither of the eggs become embryos? I don't know, but I think my chances of doing so are higher than if I had failed to do one element of the medication properly.

There's also a sense of it being 'in God's hands' in a new way. Which is odd. Because of course it always was. There's no reason it should be any more in God's hands in the lab at Southmead Hospital than there was of it being in his hands when I was administering injections. But I find it harder to believe God's in charge when I'm playing an active part. Must say something about my inner demons, that!

Treatment day 34

Break day

Today is a day off medication. Yesterday, I took my last sniffs of buselerin (8am, noon, 4pm, 8pm) and last injection of menopur (6pm), as well as the single ovitrelle injection (1015pm). All had to be timed exactly.

We went in for my scan on Monday. It was a bit disappointing because I only had two follicles mature to the required point. If it had been easy for us to start again during my next cycle, I think they would have recommended it. But as Jon's about to leave, we asked to go ahead with egg collection this week. It means we probably only have two eggs to work with.

ovitrelle pen

So the op. is happening tomorrow morning. I'm quite scared. Also very tired as I haven't been sleeping. But so glad the nurse let us make our own decision about going ahead now. And happy we are going to get through this before Jon heads off. It would have been very hard doing it without him. (We should be able to see any viable embryo, if we have one, put back in before he leaves as well.)

The ovitrelle injection makes my eggs mature ready for collection.  It was pretty stressful to do. You get given one dose. I've had to keep it in my fridge for the last 5 weeks and move it from one house to another. It is a pen device, so I was very scared of breaking it or dropping it or doing something wrong. Only once chance! Jon helped me to keep calm and I think we managed ok. So relieved I don't have to do any more injections.

Fingers crossed Jon's sperm and my bits look ok tomorrow and they can go ahead. And that the needle in the back of my hand doesn't hurt too much : ( We are in at 830am and I should be out around lunchtime.

Treatment Day 31

Injections and nasal spray #12

I have had a stomach ache since last night, which I think must have been triggered by the evening injection. There had been some twinges for the last few days but this was bad enough to keep me awake most of the night. I'm a bit nervous about doing tonight's dose in case the discomfort gets worse.

Syringe festival

It's hard to know whether to call the clinic. You're supposed to do so in the case of abdominal pain but I don't want to do anything that makes them call a halt on the treatment cycle! I've decided not call yet but wait to see if the pain gets worse: I've managed to function as normal today and it has worn off into the evening. My tummy isn't bloated, which you'd expect with OHSS.

The last two injections have also hurt more and I'm definitely lacking energy. I just did a bit of an internet forum search to check on side effects but soon gave up: I don't find these sites very encouraging as most of the members have been through multiple cycles of IVF without success - not something I really want to contemplate!

You've now seen almost everything that arrived in my little medication pack on September 13th. These are the syringes, to which the needles get attached.

Fingers crossed for my scan tomorrow morning.......  we are both ready for this to be over, really.

Treatment Day 28

Nasal spray and injections #9

I had my first scan yesterday, to see how the ovaries are coming along.

They aren't quite as big as they need to be for egg harvesting, so I have to keep on injecting (and sniffing) until Monday and go back in for another scan. I did my injection yesterday in the Leigh Delamere services carpark. At dusk. Interesting!

It's hard not to get panicky that something will go wrong: if I forget to do the spray I might ovulate and then all would be lost. Or if for some reason I don't respond adequately to the Menopur by the middle of next week, they might decide I need to start the whole thing again. And I honestly don't know what we'd do about that: Jon's Canada flight is now booked and he can't keep continent hopping for treatment. And the prospect of being apart for more than 6 months is rather bleak.

Don't inject with the wrong needle!

I think we'd probably decide to call it a day if things didn't progress right. As the very sensible nurse who saw us yesterday said, you can't keep your life on hold for fertility treatment. But in all these decisions, we leave our options open until the final moment: you never know how you will feel at each stage.

However, all will probably be well. My rather odd fertility book says I need to practise 'visualisation' at this stage. Which I think means picturing my inner bits responding well to all the medication. Not sure I know how to go about that, or whether I'd find it helpful, to be honest.

Today's picture is of my two sets of needles: one is big and pink and is used to suck up all the stuff out of vials. Then you have to transfer the mixture to the littler, yellow needle, which you put into your tummy.

Treatment Day 24

Injections and nasal spray #5

The active ingredient

Here, you can just about see my follicle-stimulating medication, Menopur. It comprises ampoules filled with saline solution and little bottles with discs of powder. You have to mix the two before injecting. I have to use two lots of powder each time but this varies from person to person.

You can also see one of my little ampoule snappers, used to break into the saline liquid container.

Ampoule snapper

It is this Menopur stuff that can trigger ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, which would be nasty. As it affects 1 in 100 women (in BCRM's experience, so the nurse said) the risk is reasonable. But so far I have been fine.

I am slightly concerned about the fact I may need to inject while in my car or on a train on Wednesday..... but let's cross that bridge when we come to it!

Thus far, the whole rigmarole hasn't felt connected with attempting to have a baby. I am just fascinated by the various procedures and quite proud of how well I manage to stick needles in my tummy.

Treatment Day 22

Injections and nasal spray #3

So, I am getting on pretty well with the old stabbing myself. I was a bit shaky on the first day, mainly because of all the paraphernalia you have to get your head around before doing the deed.

But if you get the thing angled right, you barely feel it. I got it a bit wrong the second time and did feel a little prick but the other two occasions there was no sensation at all. It's just very counter-intuitive to stick a needle into one's own flesh and leaves me feeling a bit wobbly.

(Reading that back, I realise how wrong it all sounds?!)

How to stab yourself DVD

I had a bit of a panic when I realised I was meant to be doing the injections in the evening and had started a schedule of doing it when I woke up. But the nurses said it doesn't matter and just to change to the evening, which I have done today.

Also had a bit of a mental mood swing yesterday over a lost DVD (!) I was really, really angry about it and wouldn't go to bed. This may be partly to do with the medication but probably more tiredness and the fact our house has been a tip for the last fortnight. We move tomorrow. Hurrah!

I thought I'd show you the various bits of the kit I have one by one. First picture is of the instruction DVD, which takes me through step by step how to do the injection. I've watched it twice and won't need it again.

Treatment day 19

Spray only #12

I had my blood test yesterday and it showed, as expected, that the 'down regulating' nasal spray is working fine. My oestridal levels are low and ovaries calm. (Usually they are so giddy!)

It was the first time on visiting BCRM that they were running late. I saw the nurse about 40 minutes after my appointment time and had arrived half an hour early, so all in all spent quite a while in the waiting room. It's when things like this happen that I realise I'm under quite a lot of underlying stress: there have been so many delays and we are now so dependent on everything running like clockwork that the delay left me a nervous wreck!

Anyway, as I say all was clear. Which means I can start the injections as intended tomorrow. Eeeek. Hope that goes okay.

Still no side effects of note. I think my body temperature is a bit wacky but nothing unbearable. Slightly odd discharge (say no more - there are men reading.) And I did have a complete flip out over something yesterday evening that may or may not otherwise have led to tears..... but Jon copes admirably. Carry on Campers!

Treatment Day 14. + 22 months.

Spray only #7

I was 34 yesterday. It's 3 years since we stopped using contraception (which is a much more accurate way of putting it than 'started trying to have a baby'.)

It doesn't sound like a long time. But it feels like it!

At the clinic they kept referring to how they were going to approach treatment in this, that and the other way 'because I am so young'. But then they refer to you as an old patient if you're above 35.

I guess, as with life, the happy middle doesn't last for long!

Still fairly weary and my skin is in poor condition. But otherwise, no mental mood swings or hot flushes yet. Some lovely Chepstow friends from round the corner dropped in a big block of Dairy Milk yesterday. Which helps!

Treatment Day 12

Spray only #5

My period started on cue, 3 days after stopping with the pills. Which is all good, things going to plan.

A major downside is that the clinic asked me not to take my prescription painkillers for period pain. So I've had a pretty bad couple of days. I had forgotten how bad the discomfort could get and spent quite a bit of last night on the bathroom floor in a foetal position. But I should be through it now.

Incidentally, they also said to avoid Ibuprofen which apparently is really bad for pregnancy. It prevents embryo implantation and can increase risk of miscarriage. Gosh. Who knew?

No side effects of the spray yet but I have to keep going with it alone until October 3rd. Jon is really nervous that I'm about to go mental...... ; )

Treatment Day 7

Pills and Nasal Spray#5 Last day of this part of the regime. Side effects most likely to kick in from tomorrow. I realise I forgot to recount some of the details of us getting started. Remember all that stress caused by the phone call to say our appointment for the 7th hadn't been rearranged for the 12th? Well, it turns out that was kind of unfounded. But with hindsight, I'm glad we went through it.

Actually, we were still booked in for the 12th but nobody told the doctor who had us in her diary for the 7th. Hence her phone call. But the outcome was that we ended up getting in there 24 hours earlier. which meant we could see the nurse in the appointment slot for the 12th. And thus get started on the 14th.

Almost certainly we would never have been able to kick things off this month if we had in fact kept to the original appointment. We'd have saved ourselves a weekend of anxiety but gained another month of waiting. 

It's all very strange. I can't accept that these things are 'God-incidences'. But it's interesting and profound that at our lowest ebb, when we cried out to a few people for prayer and felt incredibly low about it all, it turned out that something very helpful was actually happening.

Treatment Day 6

Pills and Nasal Spray#4 I'm still finding it difficult to sleep. It's not too bad - I just get up and have a camomile tea and read for a while. But I hope it doesn't continue for the duration of treatment. I did manage to fall quite deeply asleep two nights ago but then was woken at about 1.30am by Jon nudging me and insisting one of us needed to take some medicine.

Gradually I came to and asked him what he was talking about. At which point he sat up, head in hands, and said "It's ok I think I was dreaming." And then fell back to sleep. Which I couldn't do, so I ended up going downstairs. Looking back, it was pretty funny!

I guess it must be weird for him, with me on a schedule of 2 pills and 6 nasal sprays at specific times of day. And looking ahead to injecting myself daily in a week or so. And all he can do is look on.

Treatment Day 4

Pills and Nasal Spray#2 So far so good. No discernible side effects. (Though these aren't expected until I stop taking the pills on Friday) It's slightly disconcerting that all the notes with the pills are about its use for breast cancer treatment, and those with the spray about its use for prostate cancer!

I do have a funny tight feeling in the back of my throat. And am very tired. But that's probably the lack of sleep! In general, I'm quite enjoying the novelty of all this medication.

Treatment Day 3

You will not ovulate!!

Pills and Nasal Spray For the next 5 days I have to take the pills twice a day and buserelin nasal spray every 4 hours. The spray stimulates the pituitary gland and decreases the secretion of follicle stimulating hormone. It leaves a nasty taste in the back of the mouth. They prescribe this so they can control exactly when my follicles are stimulated, rather than letting my body do this naturally.

Treatment day 2.

The easy part

Pills

For 7 days (September 14 - 20) I have to take tablets of Norethisterone.

This is a hormone replicant, used to control exactly when my period will start. Which should happen shortly after I stop taking it.

It isn't likely to have any significant side effects, though sleeplessness is a possibility. I haven't been sleeping very well ... but I expect that is just anxiety and not the medication!

Treatment Day 1 - long, sorry!

Well, what a difference a week makes.

After a rather low weekend, we returned home a day earlier than planned so we could get on the phone quickly to BCRM and sort out the mess.

Jon rang them while I sat feeling quite sick with stress upstairs. They said they had no appointments until September 28th. Simply too late to be workable. But good old Jon kept them on the phone and eventually was offered an appointment with an alternative doctor (as if we care!) the following day (Tuesday). Phew #1.

So far, so good, but we have learned never to expect much, so went in highly strung and anxious. We were seen, had blood test results and sperm analysis reviewed, internal scan for me, and told we were eligible for treatment. Phew #2. (Actually, Jon's sperm quality had increased quite a bit. Which is interesting. And means we go for IVF not ICSI. But thankfully that news doesn't affect anything, we are already approved for NHS funding of treatment by IVF Wales - it was just a question of ensuring BCRM could treat us, according to their rules.)

Bad news, we were told there was absolutely no way we'd be through by October 11th, when Jon was due to leave the country. Freezing sperm costs £500 and they seemed to want to discourage us from doing this. So, we planned for Jon to return to the UK some time in November (probably) to do his 'bit'.

The next step was to arrange an appointment with the nurse to go over minutiae of treatment. We organised this with reception for a week later. But on driving home, my mobile rang and the clinic said that was actually impossible. Next available date the 25th. Again, heart sunk. But again, kept them on the phone a bit and was offered an appointment for the next day (September 12th). Phew #3.

Back in the next day, and a lovely nurse called Carrie explained everything we will need to go through. She then checked where I was at with my cycle and suggested we start in two days (today). Treatment needs to begin on day 19 of the menstrual cycle. We could hardly believe it. After nearly 2 years on a waiting list in Cardiff, we were up and running in less than a week of our first appointment in Bristol. Phew #4.

Jon will have to delay his start in Canada, meaning some lost salary. But that doesn't matter. His professor is understanding about all this. Phew #5. And overall, a fortnight delay is a much better solution than Jon leaving me here to start things on my own and then flying back 1 month into a new job.

A medical courier dropped off my pack this morning, full of pills, syringes, nasal spray etc. I started today with the pill. More details on all that later.

But, we're off! Finally. Hurray! IVF at this clinic has a 42% success rate. Fingers crossed.