I've spent quite a bit of time thinking and reflecting during Lent. Not just about the baby thing, but including that. As time passes, you can learn to approach something like infertility in a better way. Should you want to. You get used to the new game plan. And here my faith has been massively helpful.
It's so easy to get addicted to control, in our culture. Up until now, I approached life as if its direction depended on what choices I made, when. Not just little things like what juice to buy, but the big stuff too. I might not in every instance have got into the university / job I wanted. But I was responsible for choosing the one I got. Similarly with marriage partners, homes, etc etc. I was in control.
Suddenly, in this scenario, I realise I have minimal control over what will happen. It's horrible, at first. But I am beginning to feel that this isn't about losing control: it's about realising you never had it. A veil of unreality has been lifted. A lie has been discovered. I can't control everything. There are certain things I can do to influence the future. But much lies beyond the realms of my power.
There are also positive things about being "barren", in terms of spirituality. A state of waiting, of hopefulness, of not-there-yetness, of being the overlooked one and of standing in solidarity with others in that state, are all very scriptural and, ironically, very fruitful.
Perhaps most importantly, I can see now that any child I might bear is not really mine, born of my volition. Rather, it is a life I might be privileged to carry for a time. I hope that, if I ever do become pregnant, I will be able to hold onto that.
