Our appointment at Bristol has been postponed and will be on September 12th. (Originally August 29th).
For reasons explained in earlier posts, we don't take too well to delays and postponements any more. But, on the positive side, this means I should arrive at the clinic at a more useful time of the monthly joy cycle; and a rather stressful task at work will be done and dusted. So, it is probably a good thing to wait a few days longer. And we still hold out hope that the rumous of no waiting list are actually true, and so once we get in on the 12th we won't have to hang around for long until we're up and running. (Assuming they will treat us, of course).
The added spanner for the works is that Jon will be moving to Canada in early October. I have known about this for a while but now it's more or less certain so I can mention it.
We really hope to get through treatment before he leaves. But, let's face it, that's very unlikely. If not, it's not a problem from a medical perspective. They can freeze the sperm for use later.
So, I'm staying here to ensure we get through treatment and to be around the clinic until we know any pregnancy is progressing alright. Once I've waited until 13 weeks, I may as well hang no a bit longer until I can take maternity leave from work (I love my job and this is a good way not to leave it!) And if I don't conceive or I miscarry, we'll have to decide whether I stay behind for even longer to give things a second go.
Not sure how I will manage going through this shiz on my own. Or how either of us will cope with being apart in general. But I have some nice friends to move in with.
Seems rather incredible that we are going to such lengths for something we're not 100% sure we even want...... the biological impulse I guess. And an almighty fight to ensure two years on a waiting list are not wasted.
As I said to my friend Jenni, it's not ideal. But I think we left ideal behind a little while ago. And, anyway, whoever said life should be ideal?!
infertility
Tuesday, 28 August 2012
Tuesday, 7 August 2012
Not my children. +20.5 months
We have been transferred to Bristol, where there is no waiting list, but have to get through the preliminary tests before we know (how) they will treat us.
I don't think every clinic has the same criteria for treating couples, let alone giving them ICSI, so we wait for our initial appointment to see what will happen.
In the meantime, I resist any suggestion that we deserve or have a right to children, or are suffering anything out of the ordinary. This is not the case. A wise lady I know shared the following, from Gibran's The Prophet, with me. Whatever the future holds, I hope I can continue to believe this to be true.
"Your children are not your children
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams,
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."
I don't think every clinic has the same criteria for treating couples, let alone giving them ICSI, so we wait for our initial appointment to see what will happen.
In the meantime, I resist any suggestion that we deserve or have a right to children, or are suffering anything out of the ordinary. This is not the case. A wise lady I know shared the following, from Gibran's The Prophet, with me. Whatever the future holds, I hope I can continue to believe this to be true.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams,
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."
Friday, 6 July 2012
Relocation, Relocation, Relocation. + 19.5 months
We've written to and phoned IVF Wales a couple of times to discuss the fact we may be relocating in October. Specifically, we wanted to to emphasise the fact that starting treatment in August may equate to us not getting through in time.
The bad news is that I don't think we would be called up in August at all. When I mentioned the 21-month waiting time, staff reacted in such a way that I was led me to believe this was an optimistic estimate. I think they are having all sorts of challenges there.
- Incidentally, I have in recent months spoken to a friend of a friend who had IVF at Cardiff. She sent me the explanatory DVD (!) they gave her which refers to the introduction evening (!) at which it was distributed. The DVD is really very helpful. We were never given any such thing. It appears that patient experience at this clinic has changed dramatically for the worse in the last couple of years. -
However, there is some potential good news. They told me they can, in exceptional circumstances, refer people to another clinic in Bristol for treatment. (I am hoping it's this one as it looks promising.) They are going to make contact with them to see.
So, more messing about ... but with the hint of a positive result. Fingers crossed. But please don't hold out too much hope.
The bad news is that I don't think we would be called up in August at all. When I mentioned the 21-month waiting time, staff reacted in such a way that I was led me to believe this was an optimistic estimate. I think they are having all sorts of challenges there.
- Incidentally, I have in recent months spoken to a friend of a friend who had IVF at Cardiff. She sent me the explanatory DVD (!) they gave her which refers to the introduction evening (!) at which it was distributed. The DVD is really very helpful. We were never given any such thing. It appears that patient experience at this clinic has changed dramatically for the worse in the last couple of years. -
However, there is some potential good news. They told me they can, in exceptional circumstances, refer people to another clinic in Bristol for treatment. (I am hoping it's this one as it looks promising.) They are going to make contact with them to see.
So, more messing about ... but with the hint of a positive result. Fingers crossed. But please don't hold out too much hope.
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
Ever receding finish line.... + 18 months
We did indeed receive our letter from IVF Wales.
It confirmed that the expected wait is now 21 months, meaning treatment around August, meaning we wouldn't get through it in the case of moving to another location for Jon's work in September.
The whole experience has been very frustrating. Earlier parts of this blog chronicle initial stages of that journey. The current letter admits that the wait for ICSI should be 12 to 18 months. It says that recent staffing reductions at IVF Wales meant they had to reduce by half the number of patients treated per week, hence the delay. It adds that complications in the changeover of provider for IVF Wales mean staffing levels won't increase until September this year. (Reading between the lines, we could be looking at more than 21 months).
We could write back explaining our particular circumstances, in the hope we get moved up the list a bit. We could take the matter to the Ombudsman. We have asked a relative of mine who works at Cardiff University Hospital (nothing to do with fertility) to pop into the clinic and see if he can twist anyone's arm.
I feel somewhat uncomfortable about all that though, given others will be on the waiting list and equally as frustrated as we are. I also doubt it would get us very far and suspect it would just cause more stress. And we are lucky enough to have choices: we can afford private treatment, should it come to that; our problem is exclusively with the sperm shape, so we have a very good chance of conceiving once treatment takes place.
Ho hum.
The whole experience has been very frustrating. Earlier parts of this blog chronicle initial stages of that journey. The current letter admits that the wait for ICSI should be 12 to 18 months. It says that recent staffing reductions at IVF Wales meant they had to reduce by half the number of patients treated per week, hence the delay. It adds that complications in the changeover of provider for IVF Wales mean staffing levels won't increase until September this year. (Reading between the lines, we could be looking at more than 21 months).
We could write back explaining our particular circumstances, in the hope we get moved up the list a bit. We could take the matter to the Ombudsman. We have asked a relative of mine who works at Cardiff University Hospital (nothing to do with fertility) to pop into the clinic and see if he can twist anyone's arm.
I feel somewhat uncomfortable about all that though, given others will be on the waiting list and equally as frustrated as we are. I also doubt it would get us very far and suspect it would just cause more stress. And we are lucky enough to have choices: we can afford private treatment, should it come to that; our problem is exclusively with the sperm shape, so we have a very good chance of conceiving once treatment takes place.
Ho hum.
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Another setback? + 17 months
Have delayed a bit before sharing this news: we await written confirmation of it. But as it's now been more than a week since hearing, and still no letter, thought I would blog away.
I rang IVF Wales on April 10th to check on waiting lists. The change of healthboard happened on April 1st, so we were expecting more clarity. The lady I spoke to asked if we'd had "our letter". I said no. She explained one is on its way, and will confirm that the wait is now 21 months.
That means August for the start of treatment. Which is annoying.... not only because it's another delay but also because, by then, we will have to make decisions about Jon's next job (Bristol funding ends in September.) We don't want to limit the future by staying in the jurisdiction of IVF Wales. But nor do we want to give up on a year and a half of waiting, so close to the end.
It takes a while to digest these disappointments. I was fairly despondent for a week or so. But you come to terms and plan around them. You work out how you'll manage, come up with a plan. I feel alright, now.
Each time the landscape ahead changes, I realise how much I've started to depend on future moments. The golden 18-month marker being the most recent. And then that's taken from you and you are bereft. But you also realise that the dependency wasn't a good thing, anyway. Nothing in the future is certain, so you're always likely to feel disappointed if you depend on any part of it. Which isn't to say it's possible not to - as human, time-bound beings - but I think it is possible to get better at doing it less.
Anyway, not sure why the letter hasn't arrived. Maybe things have changed again since I phoned. Maybe not. Onwards and upwards......
I rang IVF Wales on April 10th to check on waiting lists. The change of healthboard happened on April 1st, so we were expecting more clarity. The lady I spoke to asked if we'd had "our letter". I said no. She explained one is on its way, and will confirm that the wait is now 21 months.
That means August for the start of treatment. Which is annoying.... not only because it's another delay but also because, by then, we will have to make decisions about Jon's next job (Bristol funding ends in September.) We don't want to limit the future by staying in the jurisdiction of IVF Wales. But nor do we want to give up on a year and a half of waiting, so close to the end.
It takes a while to digest these disappointments. I was fairly despondent for a week or so. But you come to terms and plan around them. You work out how you'll manage, come up with a plan. I feel alright, now.
Each time the landscape ahead changes, I realise how much I've started to depend on future moments. The golden 18-month marker being the most recent. And then that's taken from you and you are bereft. But you also realise that the dependency wasn't a good thing, anyway. Nothing in the future is certain, so you're always likely to feel disappointed if you depend on any part of it. Which isn't to say it's possible not to - as human, time-bound beings - but I think it is possible to get better at doing it less.
Anyway, not sure why the letter hasn't arrived. Maybe things have changed again since I phoned. Maybe not. Onwards and upwards......
Monday, 2 April 2012
Waxing philosophical
Reading Alexander McCall Smith's 'The Careful Use of Compliments' recently I was struck by this:
Most of the conversations I hear about children are about 'wanting'. Do you want children? When? How many? Boy or girl? How much of a gap between them?
Much of that is just the way people talk: it doesn't necessarily indicate a selfish attitude. It's too easy to judge others on the basis of such conversations when one is childless oneself.
Nonetheless, it is interesting to consider: is my reason for seeking pregnancy born of compassion for a potential person as yet unborn, to whom I can help bring the gift of life? Or of my own wanting - a biologically and status-anxiously driven consumerism that compels me to possess a child?
I realise that thinking about such things is a luxury. Choice played no part in conception and birth a few short decades ago. But now it does, and along with the new-found freedom of choice goes the responsibility to try to choose well. And it's rather nice, in fact, to have been given by infertility the space to reflect on things like this and then to make my choices more carefully.
Incidentally, the book also acknowledged that Kant probably had no idea how to change a nappy.
"Kant [...] would have acknowledged ... that each baby should be treated as an end in its own right, and not as a means to an end. So one should have a baby because one wanted that baby to be born and to have a life, not because one wanted the pleasure oneself of having a baby."
Most of the conversations I hear about children are about 'wanting'. Do you want children? When? How many? Boy or girl? How much of a gap between them?
Much of that is just the way people talk: it doesn't necessarily indicate a selfish attitude. It's too easy to judge others on the basis of such conversations when one is childless oneself.
Nonetheless, it is interesting to consider: is my reason for seeking pregnancy born of compassion for a potential person as yet unborn, to whom I can help bring the gift of life? Or of my own wanting - a biologically and status-anxiously driven consumerism that compels me to possess a child?
I realise that thinking about such things is a luxury. Choice played no part in conception and birth a few short decades ago. But now it does, and along with the new-found freedom of choice goes the responsibility to try to choose well. And it's rather nice, in fact, to have been given by infertility the space to reflect on things like this and then to make my choices more carefully.
Incidentally, the book also acknowledged that Kant probably had no idea how to change a nappy.
Thursday, 8 March 2012
not that much to say. +15 months
I know this blog's been quiet lately - it's funny how, when life is busy, I don't think much about the ISSUE.
However, in the interest of keeping people updated: we did write to IVF Wales (copying in the outgoing and incoming healthboards as well as our GP) to express concern about the waiting list uncertainty. We've had two letters back: one from them, apologising and promising further response soon; one from the outgoing health board to say the other one will be in touch.
Not setting the world alight exactly. But a step towards something or other.....
However, in the interest of keeping people updated: we did write to IVF Wales (copying in the outgoing and incoming healthboards as well as our GP) to express concern about the waiting list uncertainty. We've had two letters back: one from them, apologising and promising further response soon; one from the outgoing health board to say the other one will be in touch.
Not setting the world alight exactly. But a step towards something or other.....
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