I've been full of cold and also had a sickness bug in recent weeks, which is probably what led to my period being two days late. Usually, it's bang on 4 weeks since the last one started, maybe a day early.
Despite knowing that it's as good as impssible for me to get pregnant, my imagination still runs away with me at times like this. And when you discover that, no, this is not some kind of miracle, no your cycle continues without interruption, it's very depressing.
I really struggle to know how to pray on these days of wild imaginings. Do I wish for pregnancy? But then, if I turn out not to be, I feel I've let myself down by voicing the desire. And ashamed of the inevitable bitterness that follows on from the the plea not being upheld. (I don't really believe in the kind of God who makes me pregnant because I've asked, ignoring someone else who hasn't).
It doesn't matter if I voice a desire to God that isn't strictly in keeping with what I believe about him. I know that in my head. But I'm too proud to do it comfortably! I want to pretend that I feel only the things I think are right.
Incidentally, the rigmarole of mess, discomfort and tampax every month becomes so much more annoying when you know you've spent the last 20 years of your life dealing with it FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER!
Ho hum.
infertility
