Ever receding finish line.... + 18 months

We did indeed receive our letter from IVF Wales.

It confirmed that the expected wait is now 21 months, meaning treatment around August, meaning we wouldn't get through it in the case of moving to another location for Jon's work in September.

The whole experience has been very frustrating. Earlier parts of this blog chronicle initial stages of that journey. The current letter admits that the wait for ICSI should be 12 to 18 months. It says that recent staffing reductions at IVF Wales meant they had to reduce by half the number of patients treated per week, hence the delay. It adds that complications in the changeover of provider for IVF Wales mean staffing levels won't increase until September this year. (Reading between the lines, we could be looking at more than 21 months).

We could write back explaining our particular circumstances, in the hope we get moved up the list a bit. We could take the matter to the Ombudsman. We have asked a relative of mine who works at Cardiff University Hospital (nothing to do with fertility) to pop into the clinic and see if he can twist anyone's arm.

I feel somewhat uncomfortable about all that though, given others will be on the waiting list and equally as frustrated as we are. I also doubt it would get us very far and suspect it would just cause more stress. And we are lucky enough to have choices: we can afford private treatment, should it come to that; our problem is exclusively with the sperm shape, so we have a very good chance of conceiving once treatment takes place.

Ho hum.

Another setback? + 17 months

Have delayed a bit before sharing this news: we await written confirmation of it. But as it's now been more than a week since hearing, and still no letter, thought I would blog away.

I rang IVF Wales on April 10th to check on waiting lists. The change of healthboard happened on April 1st, so we were expecting more clarity. The lady I spoke to asked if we'd had "our letter". I said no. She explained one is on its way, and will confirm that the wait is now 21 months.

That means August for the start of treatment. Which is annoying.... not only because it's another delay but also because, by then, we will have to make decisions about Jon's next job (Bristol funding ends in September.) We don't want to limit the future by staying in the jurisdiction of IVF Wales. But nor do we want to give up on a year and a half of waiting, so close to the end.

It takes a while to digest these disappointments. I was fairly despondent for a week or so. But you come to terms and plan around them. You work out how you'll manage, come up with a plan. I feel alright, now.

Each time the landscape ahead changes, I realise how much I've started to depend on future moments. The golden 18-month marker being the most recent. And then that's taken from you and you are bereft. But you also realise that the dependency wasn't a good thing, anyway. Nothing in the future is certain, so you're always likely to feel disappointed if you depend on any part of it. Which isn't to say it's possible not to - as human, time-bound beings - but I think it is possible to get better at doing it less.

Anyway, not sure why the letter hasn't arrived. Maybe things have changed again since I phoned. Maybe not. Onwards and upwards......

Waxing philosophical

Reading Alexander McCall Smith's 'The Careful Use of Compliments' recently I was struck by this:

"Kant [...] would have acknowledged ... that each baby should be treated as an end in its own right, and not as a means to an end. So one should have a baby because one wanted that baby to be born and to have a life, not because one wanted the pleasure oneself of having a baby."

Most of the conversations I hear about children are about 'wanting'. Do you want children? When? How many? Boy or girl? How much of a gap between them?

Much of that is just the way people talk: it doesn't necessarily indicate a selfish attitude. It's too easy to judge others on the basis of such conversations when one is childless oneself.

Nonetheless, it is interesting to consider: is my reason for seeking pregnancy born of compassion for a potential person as yet unborn, to whom I can help bring the gift of life? Or of my own wanting - a biologically and status-anxiously driven consumerism that compels me to possess a child?

I realise that thinking about such things is a luxury. Choice played no part in conception and birth a few short decades ago. But now it does, and along with the new-found freedom of choice goes the responsibility to try to choose well. And it's rather nice, in fact, to have been given by infertility the space to reflect on things like this and then to make my choices more carefully.

Incidentally, the book also acknowledged that Kant probably had no idea how to change a nappy.

not that much to say. +15 months

I know this blog's been quiet lately - it's funny how, when life is busy, I don't think much about the ISSUE.

However, in the interest of keeping people updated: we did write to IVF Wales (copying in the outgoing and incoming healthboards as well as our GP) to express concern about the waiting list uncertainty. We've had two letters back: one from them, apologising and promising further response soon; one from the outgoing health board to say the other one will be in touch.

Not setting the world alight exactly. But a step towards something or other.....

RANT!

Have gradually realised the whole area of fertility treatment for a mixed sex couple, and the attitudes many hold towards it, is totally and utterly gender biased.

This first became apparent during the initial tests. I was always treated with concern and care but Jon got no bedside manner or consideration at all when going to do his sperm test.

When we got onto the database of IVF Wales, we were automatically registered under my name. Never mind the fact that the reason we weren't conceiving was almost certainly to do with the sperm (not mine) and later proved to be so. Ever since the beginning, if Jon rings up, he has to give them my details in order to be able to talk to anyone. It's only because we consciously try to share the communications that he still bothers to make the calls at all - it would be far easier if I did it all.

It drives me mad when people assume our situation is more difficult for me than for Jon because I'm the woman. Hello. A couple parents together. And is infertile together. To be honest, if one of us is more likely to decide this whole ICSI thing is too much of a palaver and we should just do life without kids, it would be me. And if one of us is more likely to feel that a child would bring life more meaning and purpose, it's Jon.

Our society is set up in a way that encourages women to be mothers and stay home and men to be workers and not bother too much about family. I hate it! Shared parental leave - bring it on! Ease to earn fair wages and get promotions when working part time - bring it on!

If one more person gives me a pitying look while Jon is sharing something about our fertility situation with them, I will scream.

And incidentally, I also think it's unfair that women talk so much about being the ones who have to go through labour and men not knowing a thing about it. Obviously there is a biological difference. But I bet lots of men (Jon among them) would very happily take on the child bearing hassle and pain if they could. They don't have the choice.

The more we can view the whole area of deciding to have children, having them, not having them, and looking after them as a joint effort, the better the world will be.

Ok?

A little update

We've decided to chase IVF Wales once or month or so, as we're now within the period when they said we could expect treatment. Jon phoned them this week for the January effort.

As things stand, they say the waiting time is likely to be the full 18 months. That means we're looking at May to start treatment. The added delight was the news the fertility centre is being contracted out, or something, so the service provider will change around April. And at the point of handover, waiting lists etc may all change. Private contractors as opposed to NHS? Or what?

Clearly this is joyous. I will probably phone them back to find out a bit more. It's unclear whether it's the administration that's being contracted out, the medical team or the whole shebang. Hopefully, the potential for disruption and even longer waiting times is a worst-case scenario, just-in-case warning. Or the changes are something we can blame David Cameron for because I enjoy that.

I don't see how a change of service provider can justify them shifting people who have been in the system for over a year onto a new playing field. But the administrative policies are so opaque, you can never be sure..... Ho hum.

There is a bit more info here

January blues. + 14 months.

This week I am a bit sad about everything. It is tempting not to want to write anything - much easier to wait until I feel better and then explain the past feelings from a position of superiority.

But of course there are days when I feel sad. No doubt more readily in January, due to seasonal ennui.

Emotions were triggered when a couple we know, who had also been trying for quite a while / seeing doctors etc, told us they were pregnant. Seems mean and pathetic to be upset by that. I can't even explain why. It's not because I mind them conceiving, or am jealous. I don't think, anyway. I think it just makes me feel more isolated and fixed into the identity as the infertile couple.

In any group situation, where most people are parents or children, you feel like the odd one out as part of a childless couple. And, especially as a woman, you feel everyone looks at you with pity. Having strength in numbers helps because the pity is spread around and your state can even be perceived as 'normal'.

They are 13 weeks in, which makes it worse. I think - "ah, I have actually been on my own for quite some time and didn't know it."

But this news is only a trigger. It is very good news and it isn't why I am sad. The sadness is always there at some level, and this just gave it an excuse to bubble up. It will dominate for a little while, I expect.